What If?

What if all of this was for nothing?
What if I can’t outrun, outdo the things I did before?
What if I can’t change?

This kind of circular thinking had me spiraling when I first started toying with the idea of being sober. Knowing I couldn’t keep doing this. Knowing I was hurting myself, and it was only a matter of time before I hurt someone else.

I kept wondering:
What if I had got my shit together earlier?
Would you still be here?
Would I still love you the way I did back then?

Most likely not.

Because while I was spiraling and needing a lifeline, you left.
You left me at my lowest point.

So I bring it back to the original thought.
What if?

What if I had got my shit together back then?
I wouldn’t be sitting here, writing this.
I wouldn’t have started this brand.
I wouldn’t be facing myself every day and choosing to keep going.

-L